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The question’s i’ve been getting way too much lately is why i’m still single and why i don’t have a boyfriend and it’s just getting too me. i hate nosy people, especially when it’s my friends. from my parents friends i expect it. “wow, you’re so pretty you must be beating them off with a stick! so haw many guys are you dating right now?” Ummmm, none. But then i have the idiots that are supposedly my friends that are all like “oh, you’re seventeen, you should have experience, don’t you want somebody to care about?” Yea, ok, I was just on my way to walmart to pick out mr. right. These are the idiots that piss me off. Do I want a boyfriend? No. I want a guy that I care about but cares about me more. Maybe selfish but that’s the combo I need because I’m too jealous of a person. Here’s where my problem that I’ve noticed plays up. As of recently boys have actually started to notice me, the “unpopular” ones especially cuz they seem to be the most vocal. But regardless, what I found out about myself is that I simply want to be wanted. It’s like my little test just to see if he’ll care enough to fight for me. But that means I end up flirting with everyone just because I can. Then, when the guy finally gives me his attention my interest is lost. I get what I wanted and I realize I’m in no way interested in him, even though just two days ago I was on the floor crying that he hasn’t called me back. The bullshit problem is that I can’t seem to figure out if I like somebody until they show me I like them. Because as long as they aren’t interested I can’t even begin to understand if I am. So that’s why I hate guys that play games, it causes a huge fucking problem for me. I get way to caught up in getting him to like me and then when he finally gives in (or sometimes doesn’t) I realize that I never liked him at all. I waste a fuckload of time and useless emotion on basically nothing. Mean while my friends go out and get themselves boyfriends, and break up. But I’m stuck at this beginning “screening” process. I’m too picky to actually pick anyone to date. Which presents an immense problem when all I want is too make out with somebody and more, way more. All this I can deal with but when I have idiots poking their noses in my business I just want to slap them silly. Why don’t I have I boyfriend? Do I want one? Who do I like? What do I think of their friend? I just want to be left the fuck alone. I speak to who I want to speak. ANd this is not a topic on which I like to speak to most people
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i hate you.
i don’t like you. i really don’t like you. my crush on you had absolutely nothing to do with you. you were just there at the right place and at the right time. if i had met another boy earlier i would have been into him. if you had acted like you cared i would have gotten over you faster. but now i really hate you. you’re always paranoid that people are testing you , when really you’re the only one that does that. when you texted me for that first time and said I love you, i saw straight through it, but then you openly said that it was just a test how i’d react. what kind of douchebag does that? i feel like i’m always scrutinized by you, like it’s some honour to be your friend, and that if i make the wrong move i’ll lose that honour. you’re a terrible friend, i don’t want you as a friend. i know about all the shit you talked about me behind my back. i know how you bragged that i was obsessed with you. but i don’t have great self control, i haven’t bitched at you yet because i’ve been strong enough to hold back. but if i see you more i won’t be able to stop myself. the only reason i still haven’t is because i would look like the bitch in this scenario. and you’re not worth ruining perfectly good relationships over. i want to slap you silly and scream at you until my voice hurts. i hate you so much and i can’t do anything about it.
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I am in physical pain right now. The guy that likes me, who is amazing, I can’t speak to too much because I’m afraid of leading him on. The guy I have an insane inexplicable attraction to I can’t speak to so that I don’t look clingy, insane, and emotional. The girl I adore is busy with training and competing all day. The girl I trust the most and tell everything to, I can’t speak to because she has an undefined relationship with the guy that mostly likely likes me , and most definitely cares about me. I hurt and I can’t tell anybody and I want to.
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the phone call that started it all.
the problems all began from a phone call. a friend, and i use that term loosely, called me on saturday. this in itself is abnormal since we barely talk. and for a good reason too, months ago i was crushing on him. at first it seemed he was crushing on me too but he’s just a douchebag like that and plays with girls. sadly for me, and i consider myself a sensible and logical person, i couldn’t shake him from my mind for a while. and he saw that and enjoyed torturing me. but then he calls me and out of the blue asks if i like his friend. not only that he feels the need to tell me he has a girlfriend. if one good thing came out of a fairly scary and uncomfortable conversation i did realize that this particular douchebag i no longer care about. he can go fuck his girlfriend every day and as long as i don’t get any details i won’t even strain my ears.
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what a crappy day. (week, month and year)
today is so horrible that i don’t even feel anything. if yesterday i was in my bathroom in hysterics crying my eyes out today is even worse. i feel numb and i just want to skip ahead in time. i don’t even have a time to skip to because there is nothing i’m looking forward to in the future. Christmas break is going to be hell. school is numbing. maybe next semester if it’s busier i can keep my mind off of other things, then that’ll be better. but to be honest, if a busy school semester is what i look forward to then my life is a disappointment. but to understand, and for my own future reference, i’m going to start at the beginning and keep this tumblr as a diary, far away from anybody i know in real life.
